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How It Feels Outside of Time

Falling Up

Something grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled me straight up through the building at lightning speed. I could feel the speed, like the diving sensation of a roller coaster. Except, instead of falling down, I was falling up. Then, I stopped, not an abrupt stop. I didn’t feel any “G” force. I just stopped.

I hovered in mid-air above the roof of the building. I didn’t fall.

Looking down, I sensed that I had come straight up through the inside of the multi-story building, but I wasn’t hurt.

Hovering over the roof, the darkness engulfed me. No sense of fear registered in my mind. Behind me, the hills were black with the dark. An aura of faint light shrouded the building below me.

Senses Suspended

Sounds didn’t register in my mind. My skin noticed no sense of touch with the clothes surrounding me, no air movement from the air conditioner fans, no weightlessness. Nothing. The peaceful quiet enveloped me completely.

The lights of Knoxville twinkled in the distance. Cars zoomed by on Alcoa Highway, no noise, just lights.

The hoovering registered no sensation. I felt no pain or discomfort even though I had just undergone major surgery. I felt free, refreshed, a sense of excitement and wonder, no thoughts, no sensations, no pain, just the lights softly twinkling in the distance. Peace!

Then, without any notice, I felt the falling sensation of dropping back into my bed. I didn’t go back through the building. I just instantly woke up in my bed with machines whirring, bells ringing, people running and talking. Pain!

Why Did I Live And Not Die

I’ve pondered that experience often. Why didn’t I die? I believe we are all created with a particular God-given purpose. Did I have a purpose to fulfill?

If you read some of my other posts you will see that I had a difficult time adjusting to my husband’s symptoms of Adult ADHD. I wanted out of the relationship any way I could.

We were driving a truck delivering “little houses” from Indiana all over the United States. We took the job because we had lost everything because of my illness. Going on the road looked like a way out. I could ride and recover.

Being in a Freightliner 24/7 with a person with symptoms of Adult ADHD, whose behavior still baffled me, did not result in the vacation I expected. I began to question whether God did have a purpose for my life.

I got to the place I didn’t care. I wanted out, no matter what that looked like. Actually, I thought I’d rather die. I prayed to die, but God obviously did not answer my prayer.

One thing I discovered about adults with ADHD, or at least it’s been true for the ones I’ve known, their words are incessant. In the Freightliner words, music, something bounced around the walls continually. Peace and quiet did not exist. No peace. No quiet. No alone time, a necessity for an only child. I did have a curtain between the cab and the sleeper that I slammed frequently.

A Change of Heart

But, at that moment, suspended above the roof of the hospital, I didn’t think about dying. The peace overwhelmed me.  The quiet and dark did not scare me.  It never occurred to me that God may be answering my prayer, just not the way I expected. All thought was suspended.

Larry heard a code-blue called on my room. He knew I was in trouble. Our teenage granddaughters accompanied him in the waiting room, which put a lid on his words. He didn’t want to scare the girls. Amazing, no words!

During his time of unusual quiet, he made an agreement with God. “If she pulls through things will be different.”

Focal Point

That focal point brought some interesting developments. He chose to acknowledge and control some of his symptoms of Adult ADHD.  We began working on our “WorkArounds”, ways to deal with the quirks of ADHD, ways that have brought compromises that both of us can live with.

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