Do You Use ADHD Conflict to Make Yourself Feel Better?

Would 73% of Your Friends Think You Like Conflict?

Have you ever been around a person who seems to talk continuously? Some talk because they’re excited or nervous or want to be part of a conversation or can’t handle silence. While others are experiencing emotional hyperarousal. A state where the intensity of one emotion dominates ones thoughts and actions.

Excessive talking is a common symptom for kids and adults with ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder), who often have trouble inhibiting and controlling their responses. They may blurt out whatever first comes to mind, whether appropriate or not, without thinking through how their words may be received.

You may start a sentence, say five words then they hijack your sentence and finish it for you. You say, “That’s not what…”  Hijacked again.

Often, they finish the sentence with a comment about themselves or their opinion on the subject. If you disagree with their opinion, you are wrong, because most ADHDers think they are always right.

If the ADHDer is prone to a negative self-image, they may assume you are going to say something derogatory about them that they don’t want to hear. Cutting off your sentences is one way to avoid hearing your words or opinions.

If you persist in trying to be heard, you must raise your voice. The conversation then often escalates into ADHD conflict.

Confrontation, where ADHD conflict is involved, is where things often go wrong because emotions are allowed to take control, over-driving responses to the situation, and making resolution even more difficult.

Some ADHDers Medicate With Conflict

Conflict emerges when the ADHDer is convinced he/she is right about every subject that comes up.

Many relationships, where at least one party has ADHD, have an abundance of arguments and conflict because the ADHDer provokes conflict, intentionally or unintentionally by habit, for a hit of adrenaline, which gives them a feeling of calm and focus. Either way, it can be very damaging to relationships.

It’s Never Their Fault

ADHDers often end the argument with a smirk on their face that says, “I win” leaving the other person in total frustration or in tears. Whereas others end arguments with, “If you hadn’t said or done such and such, we wouldn’t have had a problem.”

The ADHDer often gets an adrenaline rush while the other person gets total blame.

Brad Mason in his article, ADHD CHILD, WHY IS IT NEVER THEIR FAULT,  gives statement examples: “I didn’t do it. It wasn’t me. It was because so and so did such and such to me.”

This doesn’t just occur in children. This ADHD conflict resolution protocol it often extends into adulthood.

Mason states that conflict behavior isn’t always about denying blame or protecting their self-image. The cause is often poorly developed metacognition, which is the “ability to think about what they are thinking about” and the consequences of their actions.

The ADHDer may have difficulty recognizing that they are distracted, or inaccurately reading the situation or behavior. They don’t seem to see that their words and behavior could be having a negative effect on others.

People with metacognition problems often have difficulty in everyday problem-solving. They do not notice errors in their work or whether a job is totally finished or not.

According to Mason, being married to a spouse with underdeveloped metacognition is like being “married to someone for whom it was never their fault, always yours, and apologies rarely get issued- mostly blame.”

An article published in the Sept/Oct 2014 edition of the Scientific American Mind states that a person with metacognition issues, experiences difficulty in making accurate judgments about their own thoughts, such as, whether their words or behavior choices are even appropriate.

Causes of ADHD Conflict

In general, many people with ADHD have problems in social situations. Some are very shy when communicating in public, while others become very exuberant, excited, and even overbearing. In either case, they experience difficulty engaging appropriately and perceiving, or understanding the feelings and emotions of others.

ADHDers don’t always intentionally talk too much, or cut off others’ sentences. They may suffer lack of impulse control, misdirected focused attention, working memory problems, or metacognition issues, which are involuntary parts of ADHD.

Dennis and Gracie

After being married for several months, Dennis and Gracie began having arguments almost every day. Gracie thought it would get better as they adjusted to married life, but it got worse.

She’d had enough. Gracie escaped on a “women’s retreat,” or so she said. Actually, it was a personal getaway to the coastal mountains. a break from always being wrong or being corrected about everything.

She rented a small cabin where she could get away and relax. After gathering firewood for the fireplace, she unpacked her backpack.

The cabin was peaceful.  She wondered what it would be like to live in the cabin permanently, no phone calls, no tweets, no text messages, nobody telling her she was wrong, nobody screaming at her.  Could she do it?

As she lay in bed, she thought about the conflicts they’d had recently. It always came down to something she said, a tone in her voice, an expression on her face… something. Later, he’d say “I was wrong” or, maybe, “I’m sorry”, but then he’d flip the blame and say, “But if you hadn’t done or said such and such…”

As she began to pray, she felt God’s love and peace wrap around her. It was such an awesome feeling. She became lost in God’s presence.

Her phone dinged.

“I thought I turned you off,” she said looking at her phone.

It wasn’t Dennis or her mother. A website she had been looking at popped up on her screen. It talked about how to deal with metacognition. She read the first few paragraphs of the blog and smiled, looking up.

“Thank you, Father. You always give the right things at the right time.”

How To Deal With Metacognition Issues

Metacognition is the ability to think about what you are thinking about and the consequences of your actions.

There are words going through your mind continuously, some are good, others not so much. ADHDers and people with metacognition problems are usually more self-focused and hearing self-defeating babble. Here are some steps for change:

1. Make a decision to renew your mind with God’s Word to manage your metacognition problem.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2 NKJV

2. Think Out Loud

Talk through your thoughts out loud, to yourself, a friend or relative or even a pet. Verbalization helps you work through your thoughts and get rid of negativity.

Casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, 2 Corinthians 10:5 NKJV

3. Evaluate Your Thoughts – Ask Yourself Questions

Asking self-reflective questions is key to metacognition. Take the time to be Introspective and honest with yourself about your thoughts. Don’t allow negative thoughts or judgements to remain in your mind. Instead, fill your mind with truth, with positive thoughts.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Phil 4:8 NKJV

4. Write Your Thoughts

Writing is very helpful in organizing and assessing your thoughts. Just like thinking out loud, writing can help you identify your thoughts, how you think and the changes you need to make to line-up with God’s Word.

  5. Fix Your Thoughts

While writing, decide what you are going to think about. Some translate Phil 4:8 as “Fix Your Thoughts” on things that are true, noble, just, pure… You have a choice as to what you are going to focus on. Write the Bible verses that give you positive thoughts.

Back to Dennis and Gracie

Gracie took these steps back to Dennis. He agreed to start Mind Renewal.

She began to tell him about the problems and her trip to the mountains. Dennis decided to take notes. He wrote all the time Gracie talked with only a few interruptions for clarification.

As she finished talking, he sat for some time perusing his notes. He looked up with tears running down his face. He slowly got out of his seat, walked over to her, and gently put his arms around her.

“I am so sorry. Will you please forgive me? I had no idea.”